Time for mom

As modern mothers fight with each other, that is, whatever you do, you do wrong


Sosrodzice.pl: Do you also have the impression that mothers are fighting on the Internet, that "holy truths" clash and each of them is considered "the greatest"?

Synafia: I think that the internet gave mothers great freedom and so many possibilities that we sometimes get lost in them. On the one hand, thanks to the Internet, we find help and support from other mothers. On the other hand, hidden behind Internet nicknames, we allow ourselves to pour out on other frustrations that are not lacking in any mother. Maybe that's why mothers fight so much on the internet - because it seems to be an ideal space to discharge negative emotions without incurring consequences. It's just that a word once written, even "only" on the Internet, lives its own life and can do a lot of damage.

Do you need mothering? Maybe when we become mothers, we start "raising" other adults as well?

Synafia: Perhaps this is also the need for mothering. I look at it differently. None of us are born with the ability to be a mother. Especially after the birth of the first child, we often feel lost and uncertain, we badly need support and the feeling that what we do, we do well. The more uncertainty in us, the more we stagger when faced with other ways of living and raising children.

I think that's why mothers can fight fiercely for a pacifier, a scarf and drink lenses - in this way we are really fighting for our own identity, for our "being a good mother". We need to be sure that we are doing everything right. And if someone who does something differently from us would do it well - doesn't that mean that we do wrong? Well no, it can't be like that, unlike ours - it must be bad and it's over. Meanwhile, 20 years later, our children will really have different worries than whether they were carried in a sling or in a baby carrier or carried in a pram.

Do we view other views as an attack on our own status quo as a mother?

S: Yes, I think that all these maternal wars are most often afraid of whether we are really doing the right thing. In general, I think that the less confident and good we feel about ourselves, the more actively we engage in "repairing" others. This applies not only to motherhood.

Which mother from "Mother's radio" is closest to you? Which type irritates you the most?

S: After the birth of my older daughter, I was probably the closest mother to the holy pindy. I really wanted to be a perfect, flawless mother, a mother to whom children would only feel passionate gratitude. The more I wanted, the more of course I wasn't. After the birth of my younger daughter, I got a little bit smarter, now I am closer to my eco-headscarf, with a tendency to be a Catholic female worker - mutatis mutandis, because I am not a Catholic but a Lutheran.
Which one irritates me the most? All the same! But I also try to find tenderness and understanding for all these "maternal types". After all, I'm one of them myself :)

Only you have a distance to it ... And that's healthy ...

S: I'm constantly learning how to gain distance because I'm often hard to bear with myself. I even coined such a motto that a man should laugh as much as possible at himself and the least at others. Then life gets the right proportions and is much nicer.

We have convinced many times, creating the page, that there are topics "not to touch". For example, writing that breastfeeding has some disadvantages, and wearing it in a sling is not for everyone a definite resistance ... And thinking logically, every solution has its good and bad sides, how is it? It is not proper to write on certain topics?

S: Parenthood is probably like philosophy - there are certain seasonal fashions in it, which, however, each time we treat as just the discovered key to reality. Now we are returning to breastfeeding, to closeness parenting, which I personally enjoy, because I am closer to this look at parent-child relationships. Which does not mean that I do not see certain traps in it. It is true, however, that at present it is not appropriate to question, for example, the assumptions of parenthood of closeness, it is a bit like to question the decalogue. I remember, however, how recently I walked around the room at night, trying to make every possible way screaming younger daughter and cursed through my teeth: Fuck you, Jean Liedloff!

Fuck you but I can?

S: I can do it, of course I do, though sometimes through tears, because the younger one has an operatic voice and when she screams, all brain ganglia straighten out of my impression. But although she screams, I am her mother and I am here to support her even in this scream. In such situations I say to myself: I have two choices - either I will survive it or I will not survive it and I will fall dead. I always choose the first exit.

Examples can be multiplied: bottle feeding, nursery, using a teat, sleeping with a baby - there are many topics that differ from modern mothers ...

S: I think that every topic is good enough to fool about it well. I stopped caring when I realized that since I was a mother, whatever I do, I will definitely do it wrong. Because I am a mother - simply.
I will go back to work - wrong! I don't love a child. I will not go back to work - wrong! I will be a social parasite and a stranded cart. I will send a child to kindergarten - wrong! I will destroy my child's mind. I won't send my child to kindergarten - wrong! I'll make him a social cripple. Examples could be multiplied indefinitely.
Boy-Żeleński wrote about "Women's Hell" - he didn't really know what women's hell was yet, because he had never seen posts on the e-mama forum.

Are we creating hell ourselves, wanting to be perfect? So mother Polish syndrome, but a little different?

S: I think that hell is not others, as Sartre said, but we are alone. Man very often is his own greatest enemy, this does not apply only to mothers. And the pursuit of perfection is already the eighth circle of hell. I know something about it because I get into this circle myself every now and then.

Many are afraid to write that the parent's life is not pink ... Admitting mistakes, doubts, weaknesses often brings an avalanche of comments "woman, don't complain, others are worse ..."

S: We live in times that, contrary to appearances, do not have much understanding of weakness. We want to overcome every weakness quickly, remove it as something embarrassing, because we are supposed to be successful people. All the more it is difficult to admit the weakness of the mother, for whom, according to popular opinion, the child should be the fulfillment of all dreams. And of course this dream is only fulfilled, but the price comes true. Life is not a fairy tale about Cinderella, and it's probably good. Because we rarely appreciate something that comes without any effort.

I know many women, mothers, who supported me in hard times. I wouldn't be where I was if it wasn't for their help. I have a group of friends older than me who already have children in schools, one of them is even a young grandmother. Every time I feel bad, I run to them - over the Internet - and they gather over me and comfort me, advise me, give me virtual compresses for my bruises and bruises. And today, my two friends, also mothers, whom I had recently fallen into a small poppy, surprised me - they arranged and offered a babysitter so that we could go out for a few hours with my husband, because we haven't been doing it for a year.

Women can be a huge support for themselves if they want to. But this requires closeness and trust. And today we live so fast that it is difficult for us to build such close, deep relationships with others. We often try to find support on some forum, and there we meet a bucket of cold water - because on the Internet most often people do not talk to each other, but with their own ideas, fears, projections.
I think that women should first and foremost meet face to face, open to each other, trust - and then they can give a lot of good to each other.

What are you trying to convey when writing a blog? What is your "mission"?

S: I write to give the world at least some of the good that I get from others. I hope that sometimes I manage to improve someone's mood even for a moment - if so, already a lot. It often happens to me that someone's smile or a good word help me survive an exceptionally nasty day. I also write because I have a need to talk about simple and important things. Because the world is really made up of the sum of our everyday lives, and if we can take care of those everyday lives, if we can see the true value in them, then our lives and all reality immediately gain value.
And of course I write so as not to go crazy, because sometimes I feel close to it.

As a mother, do you often feel transparent or do you fully find yourself in your own role?

S: Both. I have never regretted my decision to become a mother. But I also often have moments of doubt in myself, in my abilities. I am a working mother of two children - I honestly admit that it is still very difficult for me to find myself in this role (the older daughter is 5 years old, the younger is 9 months). I'm just not overwhelmed and I feel that somewhere along the way I have lost a bit of myself. I am probably also writing to restore this part of myself.

But at the same time, if I wasn't a mother, I would never have discovered how much I can do, how many things I can handle. I have always been an "egghead", I am a classical philologist by passion and education, so I had makings for the female version of Ignacy Borejko. And probably if I had no children, I would only run around Karkowski Suburb in two different socks and write parodies of Platonic dialogues. And thanks to the children I discovered amazing skills - for example, that I can go alone with 2 children to a pediatric duty by public transport, although until now I couldn't even settle a simple matter at ZUS. I discovered that I am able to endure heavy overloads, that I can overcome my weaknesses, that I am able to fight for the good of my family. For me, being a mother is discovering hidden powers and abilities. In the hospital after the birth of my younger daughter, I read "Running with the Wolves" and I think I am still influenced by this book, so now I look at motherhood as a release of ancient female powers.

What do you miss most as a mother? What content on the internet do you not find? What annoys you the most and what surprises you?

S: I miss sleep the most;) I think I can find everything on the Internet, even what I would rather not find. It is good that so many websites are created for mothers and fathers. That places are created that give parents reliable knowledge and a helping hand. It annoys me that we are abusing the freedom that the Internet has given us - but on the other hand, we are people, we abuse everything that can be abused. And what surprises me? I am a mother, nothing seems to surprise me anymore.

Thank you for the conversation

Synafia - mother to two daughters, wife to one husband, woman to herself. Classical philologist in reserve. Instead of translating Cicero's polemical writings, he works in the training industry. In addition, he cleans, washes and cooks. Reads, listens, observes. And blogs.

Mother's radio

Halo halo! Here is a mother radio in a mother country,
We broadcast a program from motherly paradise.
Please, let everyone set the camera
Because mothers gathered for conferences:
First of all - in the matter
who voted against the bill?
Secondly - why
does the nursery lead to all evil?
Third - about it
that they are only feeding virtues with the bottle!
Fourth - how
punish the mother
what does something wrong?
And fifth through tenths
They will talk, discuss
convince and murder
The following mothers:

abnormal feminist
lactation terrorist
catholic female warrior
and eco-headscarf-mother
stupid slut, moherzyca,
selfish woman, vampire,
holy pind, psychopath
and every other mother.

The first of these starts with a madwoman:
"Hello! You dumb pink lalo!
It's not the sixties here!
How can you have children five?
Learn to hum with an eraser!
Or go to the medic
let him tie you what you need! "

Then the second one: "Great heavens!
"How did you go to work ?!
My children are good
Because I can sacrifice myself
I don't enjoy my career.
And you are a heartless bitch!
I know well, nobody will deceive me,
I don't have to work for women
I, like you, give a heart-pounding!

If the third one hears it,
he shouts, "Your brain has fallen apart!
You from sitting at home
You have the silicone intellect!
How can you not work at all
Don't grow up, waste it!
The husband will finally dump you and do you good!
You should probably live in Nairobi! "

And all mothers at once
they tap the following notes:
"Breastfeeding - it's animal! I wash my hands of it!
What? Bottle? Mart! The vampire feeds the bottle!
I never vaccinate, never in my life! I prefer to land in the kitty!
Don't send to kindergarten! There is disability, crap and syphilis!
With my mother at home? It's a cripple! What future is the child waiting for?
My top is to be! And whose?
I will snatch your tongue out, my eye will stick out!
Are you calling your mother? Shame on you! Shame on you! "
And all mothers began to fight.
The Holy Inquisition has arrived
And so ended the maternal broadcast.

/ Synafia /