Despite our ideas, ambitions, dreams, in line with what we have influence and what is beyond our reach. Every moment of their life when they are "good" and when they drive us crazy when we want to cry out of a sense of powerlessness and when we are so happy that we would happily march across the main street of the city with a banner in hand - "is my child, cute, right?"
Children who are loved regardless of the situation, are not spoiled, as those who have the key word "stress-free education" on their lips say. It is completely different. Children who feel loved (and not those who are loved - because these are two separate issues) are generally calmer, more cooperative, empathic, and open to dialogue. They they don't have to fight for anything, provoke with their behavior, test parental love, draw attention to themselves, checking how much they can afford. Difficult moments happen much less often for them, because they do happen, there is no doubt. They are children!
Toddlers who feel loved have strength, peace and self-esteem - gifts that no one, absolutely no one will take away from them.
- When will she finally start walking?
- Why can't she be like her sister?
- Does he have to be so stubborn?
- Why do I have such difficult children?
- She has such thin hair ... her cousin, in turn ...
- It is a pity that it is so low it will be a push
- It has no character at all ...
These and many other sentences, spoken casually, often with children, without thinking is a signal that as parents we have a lot to do to accept and love our child as it is.
The more that many "flaws", weaknesses can be perceived as advantages. Is the child stubborn? It's great - there is a good chance that he will consistently pursue his goal in the future, he will be persistent, which will allow him to develop in many spheres of life.
How to love unconditionally?
Psychologists have no illusions. It is not easy to unconditionally love if we were not so loved as children, if we grew up in a house where only a good child hugged, played with the toddler when he deserved, kissed when he "did not get anything". The legacy we take from home is enormous, even if we try to cut it off, we must realize that it can be difficult. Especially if we do not face our emotions face to face, we do not reach the feeling of injustice, damage and deficiencies that we experienced in childhood.
It may happen that as adults we will have a problem reaching our "child self", experiencing a little girl or boy, a sense of rejection, injustice, anger, which we were often not allowed to feel ("because good children will not get angry").
Feelings that are not discussed, because they are simply there, can be moved away to the subconscious and be considered false, exaggerated, inadequate to the situation. We may think that we are exaggerating, that we remember badly, that in confrontation with the version of the parents, which we whitewash and defend, our experiences seem childish and stupid.
However, the wild emotions that were denied in childhood affect us today! They decide how we bring up and how we love our own children. That's why you have to reach them and face them.
No emotions are stupid
The world of a child looks completely different than the world of an adult. Obviously banal, but we rarely think about its meaning.
A couple have the right to feel like a child. After all, it is ...
Such a story. Meeting with parents. Kindergarten performance. Hansel or Gretel is to speak his question. It doesn't matter. Instead of saying two sentences, the child starts to cry loudly. A murmur of surprise passes the room. What does the teacher do? He catches one of the louder sighing parents and asks him to kneel down in the middle of the room and look at the gathered parents. Everything becomes clear. The chosen parent blushes because he understands now - the child sees the crowd in a completely different way.
Therefore, if we want to love unconditionally, it is worth finding a lost child from years ago, approach him, talk, hug, feel this pain from the past and comfort. To say that he does not have to be afraid now, does not have to be alone, because we are already adults and we take care of him, that we love them as they are.
Experiencing difficult events from the past is particularly important if we come from families where you had to earn love and respect was not due to the child in advance, but after meeting specific requirements. The experience of anger will allow her to leave again, cleanse us from the inside, make us realize the image of parents who will appear to us as flesh and blood - not gods and not monsters.
Make love unconditionally
To love a child unconditionally, we must love ourselves first in this way. When we manage to deal with the shadows of the past, which have so far made us criticize, discipline and live in a sense of constant dissatisfaction, we are on the right track.
Realizing that there are no perfect parents, learning how to forgive is a very important lesson. It allows us to calmly learn every day how to be a better parent. It will also teach us how to forgive our own children and where to find strength to help us scream, hug a child and ensure that we love them very much and that everything will be alright.
You don't have to be perfect, -y
Unconditional love is not about being perfect. All mistakes and falls are important because they strengthen the parent and child. Rather, it is about using more difficult events in favor of relationships, showing that love requires work, commitment from each party, that it can be difficult, but it is also beautiful.
It is easy to love a child when he is similar to us, when he has similar passions, character traits, we see ourselves in him. It is worse when the toddler begins to resemble the unpopular mother-in-law, the husband with whom we divorced ... Then it is worth reaching the real source of the problem and solving it.
Take care of yourself
We are busy, busy, often tired. At home, it's hard to pretend before children, or even pretend. Our regrets or frustrations are seething ...
That is why it is so important for a parent to be happy, fulfilled and have time to do what he loves. Only from a full cup can you pour and share its contents.
However, beware! You can fall into the trap of selfless sacrifice. For many, it means unconditional love. Meanwhile, it is a trap that sooner or later evokes a pity - "as much as you can, I have tried so hard ... and now you repay you". Solution?